Extract, the latest film from Beavis and Butt-Head cohort, Mike Judge, is a like a doughnut without the jam.

It’s good, but not good enough.

That’s not to say Extract is a bad movie. Only for a film with such a strong comedic pedigree, it’s a bit light on the laughs.

Extract: Slipping Quietly into the Night

Extract has about as much plot as a documentary on clothes pegs – probably less, in fact.  What we get is a snapshot in the life of factory owner Joel, played by Jason Bateman.

Joel is caught in throes of a string of bad luck, including workplace issues and his wife’s affair with a gigolo. With money coming out of his ears, it’s hard to feel sorry for him. But what the hell, let’s go with it anyway.

Bateman is in comfortable territory here, inhabiting a character not too far removed from his Arrested Development days.

He walks breezily through the pedestrian script, stopping here and there to deliver a funny line or two.

The real standout performance is dispensed in typical style by funny man David Koechner, though.

Koechner plays nosey neighbour, Nathan, who springs forth from the undergrowth to impress his overbearing affableness on Joel at every opportunity.

Koechner has a canny knack of conjuring characters who, on the one hand you feel sympathy for and, on the other, you’d be quite happy to run over with lawnmower.

Extract: Worth a Rent, Just

Extract lacks the focus and commitment of Judge’s earlier work, Office Space. The movie is short of confidence in its own ability to draw laughs. The setups are there, but the delivery is often left wanting.

Be that as it may, Extract packs in just enough laughs to raise it above the bar of mediocrity, but only by the nipple hair of a silverback gorilla.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

With this in mind, I decided against watching Clash of the Titans at my local cinema after critics pounced on it like a band of rabid sumo wrestlers. Besides, it was cold outside. I’d wait for the Blu-ray.

Flash-forward three months and I’m slipping the rental from its sleeve more warily than a learner driver in a tank. My expectations were admittedly low.

Sure, Clash of the Titans wasn’t the best thing since sliced bread. But like a blind tightrope walker in a wind tunnel, the film had something about it.

Clash of the Titans: An Inoffensive Action Film

Much to my surprise, Clash of the Titans was pretty decent. It’s a middle of the road action movie which is less demanding than a stuffed parrot.

Sam Worthington takes the reins of Demi-god Perseus who seeks vengeance against Hades after the murder of his adopted family. Worthington squares-off against a band of oversized scorpions, Medusa and a Kraken, before a final showdown with his archenemy.

Sam Worthington as an Action Hero

Sam Worthington is fast becoming the go-to-guy for action movies, his turn in Clash of the Titans coming hot on the heels of Terminator Salvation and Avatar. To be honest though, it’s a bit of a mystery to me why he’s so hot right now.

Sure, he’s a good looking fellow, but he lacks the charisma of contemporaries such as Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis.

That said, Worthington does deliver a decent enough performance as the stubbly-faced, fisherman turned warrior, Perseus.

In fact, held against Liam Neeson’s turn as Zeus, you’d be forgiven for mistaking him as the new De-Niro – step aside Viggo Mortensen, there’s a new sheriff in town.

Neeson isn’t alone though. One-note acting is pretty much a staple of Clash of the Titans.

Come to think of it, Worthington probably was the best thing in it!

Clash of the Titans: Great Entertainment

Clash of the Titans is a paint-by-numbers action flick with just enough oomph to make it a fun watch.

If you can get past the acting and occasionally dodgy special effects, the movie plays as great entertainment.

Clash of the Titans is proof that you shouldn’t always listen to critics – unless you’re reading my reviews!

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars

Sylvester Stallone’s campaign to revive 80’s action continues with his latest movie, The Expendables.

Stallone’s meathead fest is less original than a turkey sandwich. And the plot isn’t any different. It’s flatter than an astronaut in a trouser press. Then there’s the acting – if you can call it that.

Yet a weird thing happens when you pull all these parts together. The Expendables actually works. It’s a mindless action movie which has no other aspiration than to entertain its audience.

And it is on this basis that The Expendables should be judged.

The Expendables: A Dependable 80’s Style Action Flick

Critics have slammed The Expendables harder than Mr Steroid himself, Hulk Hogan. Thankfully Hogan is nowhere to be seen in this movie.

Were it not for its a-list cast – and by a-list, I mean action list – then The Expendables would no doubt be straight to DVD fodder.

The presence of Sly Stallone, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Steve Austin, Eric Roberts, Jason Statham and Mickey Rourke, elevates The Expendables into a must-see movie for any action junkie.

The group dynamic works, but only just. And the huge cast list means there is little time to flesh the characters out. True to the 80’s action flick, Stallone relies on clichés, prejudice, racial and social stereotypes. The Chinese guy knows martial arts and the bold fellow is handy with a knife – it’s that simple.

And besides, everything is just an excuse to parachute our band of mercenaries into a fictional South American country. I mean, if you’re hunting bad guys, where better to look?

The Expendables: Stallone as Director

Stallone has proved his abilities behind the camera time and time again. So to lambaste his directorial effort in The Expendables seems to be missing the point.

It was only a few years back that Stallone updated his Rambo saga, infusing 80’s action with the modern-day, fast-cutting style, we have become accustomed to.

Stallone goes even further in the The Expendables. He strips the action back to its barebones, harnessing the type of unfussy camera which is a staple of his generation’s action films.

His straightforward direction captures the tone and absurdist beats of movies like Commando, Rambo and Predator.

Is it as good as such classics? Not in the slightest. Will it fade into the filmic history? Probably.

Even so, in an age of effects-driven, MTV–style action films for kids, it’s refreshing to see a movie which only exists to kick ass.

Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Willis

Stallone understands the limitations of the action genre – it was he, after all, along with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis, who pretty much defined it during the 80’s.

And sure, the decision to inscribe the names of Schwarzenegger and Willis on the poster is a little misleading. They do, after all, only get two minutes of screen time.

But the chance to see Planet Hollywood engage in an onscreen threesome, albeit a quickie, turns the wet dreams of millions of action fans into a reality.

It’s a reverential moment which lays bare Stallone’s self-aware approach to The Expendables.

The Expendables: Sex in the City for Men

The Expendables is a very rare thing indeed – a violent action flick, for adults, in 2010.

While it isn’t perfect, it is fun. It’s an 80’s action film which has travelled through time to the noughties.

If you’re looking for a two-hour lobotomy, then The Expendables could just be the film for you.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

At the very least, it’s a dilemma we’ve all faced at some point in our lives – what would happen if we fought back against everyday injustices?

Herein resides the selling point of Kick Ass. The movie subverts the superhero genre and lays bare the vicious realities facing cape crusaders.

And by the beard of Zeus, it does it in style.

Kick Ass: A Superhero Movie with a Difference

Kick Ass sees unremarkable high school student, Dave Lizewski, fulfil his ambition of becoming a real life superhero.

Tired of being pushed around, he fights back. Dave quickly learns that a fondness of comic books doesn’t mean he is Batman.

Picking himself from the gutter more times than Tiger Woods, Kick Ass attracts the attention of accomplished crime fighters Big Daddy and Hit-Girl. They join forces to bring down New-York Mafioso, Frank D’Amico.

Nicolas Cage delivers a standout turn as Big Daddy. Channelling the charm of Adam West’s 1960’s Batman, Cage revels in the absurdity of his character. When Cage is good, he’s very good. When he’s bad, he’s Wicker Man.

Meanwhile…

Kick Ass director, Matthew Vaughn, skillfully subverts and embraces the clichés of superhero films, whilst always entertaining.

He wraps a superhero spoof, a teen comedy and ultra-violent action film into one hell of a tight package.

Is Kick Ass Morally Reprehensible?

Vaughn has been criticised for his use of graphic violence and decision to cast 13-year-old actress Chloe Moretz as the assassin, Hit Girl.

Grounding moments of staggeringly realistic violence in a completely fantastical, comic book world, is bound to raise a few eyebrows.

And it’s this clash between the fantastic and the real which seems to be driving the criticism.

Take Fish Tank as a case in point. An unflinching look at child abuse, abandonment and poverty takes place through the eyes of 15 year old Mia. The film was critically received and rightly so.

A similarly complex subtext resides at the heart of Kick Ass. Some critics, it would seem, believe dramatic realism cannot be partnered with comic book sensibilities.

To my mind though, a film shouldn’t have to play out against a gritty urban backdrop to be deemed credible or socially acceptable.

Kick Ass is imbued with enough depth to justify its violence. As for the obscenities which spew from the mouth of our 13-year old heroine, they’re no worse than those of Mia in Fish Tank.

If it’s ok in Fish Tank, it’s ok in Kick Ass.

Kick Ass: A Superhero for our Times

Kick Ass is a love letter to comic books. It’s a shockingly entertaining movie, so well crafted that it could be mistaken for Mount Rushmore.

Like a midget at a rock concert, Kick Ass will keep you on your feet at all times.

Rating: 4.5 out of 5 stars

All the different possibilities kept coming up over and over again, like bubbles in a dishevelled can of Coke.

Taking a stiff shot of brandy, I shook myself back to reality. I was off the clock now and besides, I’m a man first, detective second. What do I care why she’s here?

Keywords in Title Tags: Femme Fatale

Her name was Jenny, but as she’d later tell me: “My friends call me Keywords in Title Tags.”

Interesting name, I thought.

A long red dress hung from her person with the majesty of visiting royalty. The curly blonde locks sat atop her flawless face like icing on a cake. I wanted to take a bite.

She was the type of woman that made you drop to your knees and thank God for making you a man.

Keywords in Title Tags: Legs like a moisturized giraffe

Keywords in Title Tags cut through the band of drunken deadbeats like a warm knife through butter. She had the type of legs that made men behave like squirrels – you just wanted to climb them.

We locked eyes.

“Come sit down. Have a brandy with us”, I said.

She silently acquiesced, taking perch on the adjacent stool.

To all appearances, I was playing it cooler than an iceberg in the Antarctic. Truth is I was more excited than some kid on Christmas Eve. I wanted to open my present and I couldn’t wait till the morning.

All the same, things just didn’t sit right, something was wrong.

But it didn’t matter. She took my breath away faster than a forest fire. She was even better up close.

“Can I tell you a story”, she asked, purring like a kitten in a milk factory.

Signalling to the barkeep for two more brandies, I answered:  “Has it got a wild finish?”

“I don’t know the finish yet.”

“Well, go on”, I urged, “tell it – maybe one will come to you as you go along.”

The Story of Keywords in Title Tags

Keywords in Title Tags took a long sip of brandy, paused, took another, then began her story.

“Well, sweet cakes, it’s about a gal I knew from back west. She’d stumbled across the importance of title tags to search engine optimisation.”

I looked back, puzzled, but intrigued. “Go on”, I said.

“Well my friend back west says title tags are an important ranking variable for Google and other search engines. So let me impart a little wisdom: when SEO-enhancing your web copy, feature keywords prominently in the title tag.”

Clicking back her neck to three ‘o’clock, she threw the last of her drink down her throat. This girl wasn’t wasting any time.

She continued: “Given that keywords are visible from the search engine results page, they help describe that page. What I’m trying to say is: where possible get keywords in your title take.”

This girl is all kinds of crazy I thought, but I love crazy.

Keywords and the Death of a Detective

She could have told me she’d been milking cows all day – whatever passed her lips was hotter than a baked potato in a heat wave.

“I heard a story like that once”, I said, staring down the barrel of another empty shot glass. “As a matter of fact, I’ve heard a lot of stories in my time.”

Maybe it was the brandy, maybe it was the swirl of her perfume, I’d come over all heady.

Falling back off the bar stool, I hit the ground harder than a felled tree. Timber, I thought, laughing under my brandy breath.

“That’s for Little Charlie detective scum”, she scoffed, changing her tune quicker than a concert pianist with a gun pressed to his head. “It’s a shame. I was kinda starting to like you too. Have a nice death, detective.”

My police senses pointlessly kicked back in – I’d been drugged.

Looking up from my deathbed, I could just make out the curves of her face – she was still beautiful. But it was the most expensive glass of brandy I would ever knock back; it had cost me my life.

Pulling a silk handkerchief from her blouse, she held it over my limp body and let it slip from her grasp.

I watched as the handkerchief gracefully rode the breeze of the bar down to my expectant face. The closer it got, the further I slipped from this world.

The silky death knell veiled my face like a cloth on a haggard table. I could smell my femme fatale all over it.

Sweetness followed.

So it was that I watched Survival of the Dead only to find zombie maestro, George A Romero, had pipped me to the post.

My dream of mayo-faced zombies was no more.

Survival of the Dead: Romero Gets Things Terribly Wrong

The latest instalment in Romero’s ‘dead man walking’ saga is more amateurish than a Swedish porn film. Survival of the Dead is so bad, it’s bad. There is nothing good to say about it.

Romero has lost the plot.

Survival of the Dead might actually be the worst film I’ve ever seen. At the very least, it’s the worst movie to have passed my eyes in recent years.

To say this about the guy who brought us Night of the Living Dead and The Crazies makes my mind spin faster than an angry washing machine.

Romero Goes Down With the Zombie Ship

There was a time when the name George A Romero meant something. Like Santa, the Pope, Elvis and Richard Branson, he’d done great things.

His best work, Night of the Living Dead, reshaped the zombie genre. Trendsetting cinematography and a biting sociopolitical subtext made for a classic movie.

Survival of the Dead is absent of any of these qualities. The script is ridiculous, acting terrible and direction even worse. I don’t think it would even pass as a student film.

I’d discuss the plot but you already know what happens.

And if you’re making a movie which centres on zombies, at least make them scary. The zombies roaming Survival of the Dead look like a bunch of drunken homeless guys.

Survival of the Dead: Devoid of Thrills and Spills

Survival of the Dead is a marker of how far Romero has fallen. His stock has plummeted faster than a Wall Street broker. It’s his worst film to date and his output seems to be getting progressively worse.

Comparing Night of the Living Dead with Survival of the Dead is like measuring the acting abilities of Robert De Niro with Dolph Lundgren – you just don’t do it.

More disappointing than an empty Christmas stocking, the only thing disturbing about Survival of the Dead is just how bad it is.

Rating: 0.5 out of 5 stars

Go with me here. These lanterns are pretty flimsy. Should a curious bird peck a hole in one, it’s anyone’s guess as to where it would land. Firework factories and petrol stations would be the most unforgiving targets.

And what happens if a sky lantern gets stuck in a tree or flies through the window of a skyscraper? It just really bothers me.

Comparable problems apply in the arena of web copy. As with sky lanterns, you have to consider all the consequences, all the angles.

Commercial writing is a great case in point. You see, SEO-enhanced web copy is all well and good, but if it fails to augment and sell the brand then it is about as useful as a bucket during a drought.

Brand Building Through Web Copy

Brand building is integral to the success of any product or service. Branding is a way of saying who you are, a medium to voice your unique take on whatever it is you do. Branding is what makes you different from the competitors and in the end, lets prospect users know why they should choose you instead of the other million possibilities online.

When handling web copy projects for clients, I operate in a number of capacities. Sometimes I’ll build brands from the ground up, other times I’ll whittle into an existing model.

Whatever the case, your web copy must tap into and enhance the client’s brand.

How to Brand Build Through Web Copy

Rome wasn’t built in a day, or so the saying goes. So when developing a brand from scratch, it’s best to have a plan in place. Get things underway by mapping out a content strategy which defines the best way to maximise your client’s prospects.

Ring-fence the target audience and work out their needs, desires and tastes. Any keyword research undertaken should flow from this as you get inside the mind of the prospect user.

How are they going to search for your client’s website online? What is your client’s unique selling point and how can you make that shine through web copy? Perhaps a tagline would help build brand and character?

If, like me, you also specialise in online marketing, then it may be that your client needs advice when it comes to building website visitation and sales conversion.

So get down and dirty and work out an online marketing strategy. How are you going to build links? Would the site benefit from a newsletter, discounts, competitions, freemiums or giveaways?

If you decide upon a blog – and nine times out of 10 you probably should – then what type of content and concepts will further the brand?

It’s all food for thought.

If the brand and website already exists, then reverse engineer these questions as you look to get the most for your client out of their online endeavour.

How Inventive Should I Get with Branding?

You know what, if the project demands it, you can get crazier than Willy Wonka in a sweet shop. And if a quieter approach is needed, then slap on some Michael Bolton and enjoy the smooth times.

The bottom line is this. When it comes to branding through web copy or in your role as copywriter, each and every step you take needs to be signed-off by the client.

By all means you should advise and push your professional opinion, but at the end of the day it is the client’s opinion that really matters – even if you have doubts.

How do I turn my web copy strategy into an online reality?

That’s a reasonable enough question. It’s a fair bet that if your client has hired you to write brand infused web copy, they probably already have a web designer onboard.

In my case, I often work in partnership with a cracking web designer on an array of projects. I’ll design the content and marketing while he builds the website. Sometimes, we work on branding and strategy together, it just depends on what the client wants.

And don’t worry how technical your ideas seem, most web designers I work with agree the best scenario is for a website to be built around the content rather than the other way round.

The web designer will create the specific framework to support your web copy strategy.

Brand Building and Web Copy – The Perfect Relationship

As we speak, the dark sky is alight with the glow of a rogue band of Chinese lanterns. I swear by the belly of Zeus that five of the bad boys are currently cutting a fiery path through the clouds above my office.

If any typos have crept into this instalment of Copywriting for the Web, they can be attributed to sweaty palms. Sky lanterns make me more nervous than a vegetarian in a butchers shop.

And where do they go when they die? That’s what I want to know. For the love of God, will somebody just please tell me, where do they go?

Increasing numbers of businesses are ring-fencing branding, marketing and advertising as a means to ride out the economic wave.

Web copy, in particular, is a hot commodity as commercial interests scramble to bolster their online presence.

It’s no surprise then that I’ve been busier than the guy who cleans the windows at the Empire State Building.

In the interests of productivity and expediency, I’ve developed a blueprint which guarantees quality web copy every time.

Here’s Ten Things Not To Do When Writing Web Copy

1. Don’t Fall Asleep. As with driving, it’s important to keep your eyes open when writing web copy. If you can’t see the keypad, you may struggle to write.
2. Don’t Take a Shower: Shower time should be restricted solely to the bathroom. Taking a shower in front of your desktop can be electrifying and not in the good way.
3. Don’t Hit The Computer: Writing web copy can be frustrating at the best of times. So take that little anger monster, roll it up into a ball and throw it out the window. Remember: a computer is for life, not just for Christmas.
4. Don’t Eat the Keyboard. Confusing your keyboard with a cheese sandwich is an easy mistake to make. So don’t do it.
5. Don’t Overdo Things: Everyone deserves a break. So have a little time away from your web copy project and go on a fishing trip.
6. Don’t Turn off Spellchecker. Even the most conscientious of spellers need a little Microsoft help from time to time. Search and destroy any mistakes that slip through the editorial net.
7. Don’t use the Word ‘Teddy’ Instead of ‘The’. If possible, avoid replacing instances of ‘the’ with the word ‘teddy’. Should you succumb to temptation your content won’t make much sense at all.
8. Don’t Start Talking to Yourself. If you start talking to yourself, evacuate the office and engage the first person you see in conversation, even if they are juggling dead cats.
9. Don’t Paint the Computer Screen Black. Painting the computer screen black reduces visibility and causes confusion. It’s not a very smart thing to do either.
10. Don’t Lose Faith: Web Copy projects vary in size and depth. Whatever project you are tackling, keep the faith. If a jockey can do it, so can you.

Don’t fall into the same trap as the mountain climber who packed a tent but not the tent pegs. He had a cold night’s sleep.

So think warm thoughts and aggregate your web copy with the right keywords. This’ll get you in bed with the search engines faster than a Himalayan avalanche.

SEO Keyword Research for Existing Websites

When working with an existing website the first place you should start is with the analytics. Have a poke around and find out what keywords have brought traffic to your site.

Take note of various metrics like how quickly they left the site, how long they stayed and how many pages they viewed?

Columbo always embarked on a fact finding mission before bringing his target to book and so should you. Not only will you be able to see whether existing content is working, you’ll bring perspective to which areas of the site you want to grow.

SEO Long Tail Keyword Research

Targeting single keywords, or head terms, has traditionally been viewed as a way of generating big bucks online. Given that the internet is now saturated with keyword-heavy websites, things have changed.

The competition for many individual keywords is vast.

So set your sights on long tail keyword research and target groups of keywords.

A good way of doing this is to understand your audience and how they use keywords when searching online. Draw-up a user profile and ring-fence what search terms you suppose they are typing into Google.

Armed with a list of well-researched keywords makes it easier to tailor your content to the key audience.

So What are Long Tail Keywords?

The long tail of any keyword is the head keyword. Let me translate. In the search phrase ‘menswear Grimsby Lincolnshire’, ‘menswear’ is the head keyword and those which follow are the long tail.

Long tailing, then, is a means to modify head keywords – such as ‘menswear’ – which are just too competitive.

On the downside, longer tail keywords might not get as many hits as the head ones.

But the good news is that the query will be more targeted, driving a specific type of traffic to your site.

Users often know what they are searching for, so if you match their needs, the chances are you can pretty much get them to do what you want.

SEO Keyword Research for New Websites

When it comes to SEO keyword research for newer websites, a similar line of attack is required.

Go all Picasso and draw-up a list of keywords you think the user will search for. Throw them into an online keyword tool and search for relevant data.

If you’re starting a new website then it’s even harder to rank for those head keywords which are higher in competition. So again, bring the long tail into play.

Have a look at long tail modifiers and build the keyword you are after into a key phrase.

Keyword Research: A Crucial Part of Web Copy

SEO keyword research is a highly technical area and it’s just not enough to spam your web pages with keyword-heavy paragraphs.

Keywords and key phrases need to be seamlessly embedded in the slipstream of your web copy. When the dust settles, your web copy should be SEO enhanced to help you rank well online.

It should also embolden and further your brand identity, contain effective yet subtle sales messages, while informing and entertaining your readers.

It’s a tall, but achievable order.

With that in mind, take a moment to consider a pearl of wisdom imparted to me by a taxi driver this morning…

“It’s a topsy-turvy world and maybe my problems don’t amount to a hill of beans. But this is my hill and these are my beans!”

Well said Mr Taxidriver, well said indeed.

As the end credits rolled, the laughs dissolved to giggles, the giggles to calm.

Then came the extras. My jaw, still vibrating from laughter, hit the deck harder than a skydiving rhino. I had, it would seem, misjudged the filmmakers’ intentions.

Ninja: The Funniest Unfunny Film of All Time

As it turns out, comedy was the last thing on the mind of Ninja director, Isaac Florentine. He was looking to hang a pioneering action movie on the coat peg of contemplative ancient Japanese philosophy.

Florentine and his crew are sincere in their intentions. I don’t question that. And their filmic convictions bleed through to the final cut of Ninja.

But their aspiration to elevate Ninja’s action-adventure credentials never marries with the fact that the film looks as though it was made by a group of 10 year-olds.

It’s this clash of ideals that leaves Ninja hammier than a tin of Spam.

Ninja: A Martial Arts Cliché

Ninja plays like a parody of the martial arts genre. The plot, which makes no sense at all, is cheesier than a pizza factory.

Let me channel the spirit of Master Sensei to tell you the story of Ninja: ah, yes, there is a warrior, Evil Ninja, dressed all in black. Evil Ninja is well-trained in the ways of chopsuey. He lives in a Japanese Dojo with his brother, Good Ninja. Evil Ninja, full of rage and jealousy, tries to kill Good Ninja during a sparring session. Master Sensei is very angry with Evil Ninja and banishes him from Dojo. Then there is sacred wooden box. Wooden box must be protected.

Good Ninja takes wooden box to vault in New York City – ah, Big Apple. Japan, it would seem, has no vaults.

Years later, Evil Ninja returns home. He is unwelcome. Evil Ninja chops off Sensei’s head after refusing to give him wooden box. Evil Ninja heads off to Big Apple for showdown with Good Ninja. The end.

Ninja: More Comedy Value Than a Dancing Chicken

Ninja is a brainless action extravaganza which could have easily been made in the 80s. The movie is stuck in a time warp, the only semblance of modernity creeping through in occasionally Matrix-esque fight scenes.

But the movie is so earnest and cute that it’s hard to hate. Anything that makes you laugh has to have some good points.

Take the script, for example, it’s full of comedic gems. They go something like this:

INT – SOME GUY’S HOUSE – NIGHT

Good Ninja sits down to tea with a total stranger. The conversation is slim so he kick-starts a dialogue with his new friend.

GOOD NINJA

My dad was a drunk. He finally drank himself off the edge of a cliff when I was 12.

EXT – NEW YORK SIDEWALK – DAY

A band of Russian thugs, all in matching jackets, chase Good Ninja and his lady friend down a busy New York street. They want them dead; it’s only a matter of time. An endless stream of bullets spray in the direction of our heroes. Luckily, none of them reach their intended targets, passers-by providing meaty human shields.

CUT TO:

RUSSIAN THUG #9

(to Russian thug #11)

Remember!!!!! We need them alive!!!

Word of advice boys:  if you need them alive, stop shooting at them!!!!

Ninja: The Best-Worst Movie

There are some genuinely impressive moments of action in Ninja. Unfortunately, they are lost under the weight of a confusing script, god-awful acting and the fact that it’s hard to focus when you’re rolling round on the floor in laughter.

Let’s bring the curtain down on this review by recalling one final classic scene from the movie:

Evil Ninja cuts the power to a police station, throwing it into darkness. Stealthily slipping though the building, Evil Ninja hears a group of concerned cops up ahead. Fearful of being seen in the pitch black, Evil Ninja deploys a smoke bomb.

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars