True to form, Resident Evil Afterlife is a blend of good and bad and like a Mars Bar, too many will leave you feeling sick.

Resident Evil Afterlife: WTF Just Happened?

Thirty minutes into Resident Evil Afterlife and I hadn’t a clue what was going on. Like a nudist who accidentally stumbled onto the set of a porn film, things were unclear.

From what I could tell, the action unfolds in a world ravaged by a virus infection where Alice, played by Mila Jovovich, continues her battle against the Umbrella Corporation.

To get a handle on the film, refer to the opening scene where the antagonist is established in unintentionally hilarious fashion. The camera settles on a ominous figure clad head-to-toe in black, a pair of obligatory shades hanging from his angular face – a clear signifier of villainous qualities if ever I’ve seen one.

Prowling an underground command centre with the menace of a lost duck, an insubordinate henchman makes the mistake of questioning his authority. Like any good boss, Mr Black responds in kind by shooting him in the face – ohhh, nasty. Casually turning around, he asks: “Does anybody else have any questions?”

Enough said.

Resident Evil Afterlife: Cliché City

After the confusion of the opening, Resident Evil Afterlife settles down into a half decent zombie-escape movie. With a nod to the claustrophobic settings of Dawn of the Dead and Escape from New York, Alice takes refuge in a ramshackle building.

As it turns out, her current place of residence is in fact a prison. Luckily enough, the guy from Prison Break – Wentworth Miller – turns up to break her out.

What are the odds of that?

If I ever wound up trapped inside a zombie-infested prison, I’d want old Wentworth as my cell mate.

Resident Evil: The film Franchise continues

It’s no spoiler to say the movie’s finale clearly hints that the audience can expect to see Resident Evil back in the cinemas at some point in the future. While the franchise continues to turn a profit, no doubt we’ll be inundated with sequels. Like a fat guy in a sweet shop, it makes perfect economic sense.

While I can’t really recommended Resident Evil Afterlife, I’ll say this: if you choose to watch it, remove your brain and place carefully in the nearest available washing machine because you won’t be needing it any time soon.

In the words of my good mate Ron Seal, Resident Evil Afterlife does “exactly what it says on the tin”.

Rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars

Not a smart move…..

The problem with Pandorum is multifaceted. Strip away the poor acting and uninspired storyline, and you’re left with a film not sure of its own identity.

In space, no one can hear you scream….

Centuries in to the future two astronauts – played by Dennis Quaid and Ben Foster – awaken in a hyper-sleep chamber aboard a seemingly abandoned spacecraft. As fate would have it, they’re not alone. Unfortunately for them, their new companions turn out to be a band of blood thirsty Adam and The Ants look-alikes.

Pandorum makes no bones about its lack of originality, but Alvart’s clunky handling of the material means it is perpetually stuck in the shadow of films it strives to emulate.

It makes perfect sense that Alvart would want to pay homage to Alien, for example – it is after all a true classic of the sci-fi genre.

But when your own film isn’t that great to start with, he should be advised against undercutting it further by reminding the audience of how good Alien is.

Director Ridley Scott’s slow burn sci-fi drama only becomes a full-blown horror film in the final act. The pacing and characterisation is such that when the payoff comes it is worth it – Scott deliberately turns the screw slowly.

Alvart, conversely, reveals his hand faster than an overexcited poker player.

High Card…

Before the first act comes to a close all hopes of suspense and mystery are shattered as we catch full sight of the poorly conceived antagonists.

Alvart to his credit does opt for make-up and physical effects over CG, but the creatures roaming Pandorum are as scary as a troupe of ice-skating ducks.

And while the set design is impressive, the constant need to get from one boring action scene to another detracts from the environment.

Not absolutely terrible, but far from great, I’d rather wash my face with thumbtacks than sit through this hyper-sleep inducing film again.